So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
