I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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