Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
