I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
