I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
