Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
