grandma shit on top of the toilet
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Randomize
