idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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