she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
