I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
