oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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