so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
