hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
