i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
