Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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