We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
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