I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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