So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
