my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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