I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
