There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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