U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
