I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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