It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
