just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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