The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
