Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
