Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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