I'm drive I can fine osifer
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
