my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
did i walk over a car last night?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
