I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Dear god my vagina.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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