who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
