i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
