saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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