4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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