All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
