everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
