You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
