I am midnight drunk by noon
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
