At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
