i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
