Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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