she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
