My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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