The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
