ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My pussy is not your playground.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
