Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
