Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
