My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
