Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
