i wish my penis had a tongue
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
